5 Exercises in the Park? That's Cute, But It's Not a Real Plan

The Fitness Revolution Nobody Saw Coming

So, you're reading health articles now? Good for you, champ. I stumbled upon a piece from PasseportSanté that, brace yourself, is going to completely change your perception of exercise. The headline reads "5 Simple Exercises to Do in the Sun." Damn, I'm floored. Exercising... in the sun? What a stroke of genius. We'd never thought of that. 🙄

The article explains with papal seriousness that outdoor exercise improves mood thanks to serotonin and that the sun promotes vitamin D production. No kidding? You, who thought staying in your dark room stuffing your face with junk was the secret to iron health, are now deeply disappointed. The article even specifies that outdoor activities "stimulate metabolism" and "eliminate fat." Absolutely incredible. It's almost as if... exercising is good for your health. Fuck me, thanks science.

Your New Champion Program (or Not)

Hold on tight, because the training program is so intense it would make an Olympic athlete pale. Get your notepad ready.

• •Brisk walk among the trees - we recommend 10 minutes to warm up. Ten minutes of walking. That's what you do to take out the trash. But here, it's exercise, because you "swing your arms well." Impressive.
• •Squats at the base of a tree: 3 sets of 12 repetitions. Leaning against a trunk is a good technique... if you're afraid of falling when getting up from a chair. It's a start, let's say.
• •Push-ups on a bench - the famous "lightened version" to strengthen pectorals, shoulders, and triceps "gently." So gently that your muscles won't even realize they're working. Aim for 3 sets of 10. Come on, you can do it.
• •Plank on the grass - hold for 20 to 30 seconds. Thirty seconds. That's how long it takes you to choose an Instagram filter. It's fine, you should be able to manage this superhuman effort.
• •Dynamic lunges - the only exercise on the list that starts to resemble something. But over "about twenty meters"... That's cute. You'll impress the grandmas walking their dogs.

The Expert Opinion That Kicks Down Open Doors

To top it all off, we get "Agathe Thine's Opinion," who delivers this earth-shattering truth: "The park is one of the best gyms there is." Oh, really? I thought it was the cookie aisle at the supermarket. Thanks, Agathe, for this insightful analysis.

_Now, let's be clear._

Yes, it's better than lounging on your couch. Bravo, you've reached level 1. You go outside, get some fresh air, move your little legs. It's an excellent start. Truly. But, for the love of all that is holy, don't tell me you're following a fitness program because you did three incline push-ups against a bench where pigeons have probably pooped an hour ago. The article recommends 150 minutes of activity per week. With this program, that means doing this session 5 times. That's the bare minimum to avoid completely rusting. 🤷‍♀️

It's an appetizer. A palate cleanser. The starter before the real meal. It's what you do on days when you're feeling lazy, but not so lazy that you do absolutely nothing.

So, are you going to keep hugging trees and doing senior stretches, or are you finally going to break a real sweat?